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Wednesday, July 25th, 2001
11:47 pm
My grandpa passed away last night, I was told this today right before I went to work. When you lose someone close to home, you start to think of all the things you didn't do enough of. Didnt call enough, didnt write enough, didnt show your love enough, didn't show thanks enough. I have known this man all of my life, and to think that he just isn't going to be ther tomorrow, or when I graduate from college, or when or if I get married is totally unreal!! And you want to know the funny part? I can focus on one thing about my grandpa, something that has been stuck in my head from the moment I found out...his double chin. Isnt that weird? I dont know. I just get weird images in my head. He was a good man, very kind, would give you all he had...and I can't help thinking that he died thinking I or we didnt care about him. I just wished he didnt die alone. That is my worst fear, dieing alone. Being alone and just dieing, and just having no one care. I mean its one thing when your alive when people dont notice when your not around, but it a whole other level when your dead. Thats what I fear! I just hope hes happier now than he was when he was alive. Iwish I could just turn back time and tell him how much I care. I have been hashing things out in my mind all day today..I was crying at work!! I was working a shift by myself, so it wasnt that bad. Oooh! I am so sad! blah

current mood: morose

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Sunday, July 22nd, 2001
11:50 pm - LIFE IS...GOOD
I have no friends, no money, no self respect, no love, no reason to get up in the morning.
Although I do have this whole pumpkin pie that I am eating all by my self!

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Sunday, July 15th, 2001
1:14 am
What is YOUR definition of the word, FRIEND, or FRIENDSHIP?
What qualities are necessary that your friends must have?

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1:09 am - I need to learn to love or at least like myself!
I love myself, I love myself, I love myself even though I am fat....DOH! I almost made it!
Darn it all!

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Thursday, July 12th, 2001
3:54 pm - Well I tried to stop but I can't...
Writing in here is a small addiction! I just have to get things out somehow.
I am starting to think my Friend's lack of communication with me is somehow suppost to be a hint. A hint maybe saying "We don't want to be your friend anymore so stop calling us all the time!" HA! That would be SO perfect right now. Just place it at the top of my heep of troubles.
But I could be over reacting, I know do that a lot. Or maybe i am a dumb ass.
Its weird I have always been the one that people know and like, but no one really cares. Know what I am saying? Why is it that I am this way? I think there is going to be a huge change when I get into College. I'll be the "If you like me, cool. If you dont, go fuck yourself" kind of guy, instead of the pathedic "Hi I am mike, PLEASE like me!" guy. My problem is I am too needy. No one likes that! Oh and another thing, I am not going to put up with other people's shit, I am going to stand up for myself. Stop careing what other people think...why do I when no one really cares anyway? I am a weird guy HA!
Yea thats what I am going to do. Its gonna be hard. But I want it so much its worth it.
Update later

current mood: confused

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Sunday, July 8th, 2001
2:40 am - Well I think this is going to be my last entry...
I started this hoping that I would learn more about myself, but I have only come to realize that there is so much that I don't know about myself. And besides I am confused as it is, I don't need anymore confusion. So this is goodbye and I wish you all the best in life!

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Saturday, June 30th, 2001
1:54 pm - Have you ever...
gotten to the point where you would seriously do anything to accomplish the one thing that would turn your life around? Well anything but the long way that is..heh heh. I guess that means I don't want it bad enough, I really do but its so hard.
So I went to the city walk last night, I saw tomb raider again, and it was just as good as the first time. I am going to buy the soundtrack...uhhh such good music. ok I am a dork.
Life sux.
Theres not a day I don't think of you
Not a moment I don't see your face
Not a second that goes by that I long to feel
the warmth of your sweet embrace.
=(

current mood: blah

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Wednesday, June 27th, 2001
11:06 pm
I MISS AMANDA SHANA CHARLENE VANESSA AMBER BRENDA MO JESSIKA JACKIE AND EVERYONE ELSE X's A BILLION AND A HALF.

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1:12 am - Life.......
I suck at this game, I don't want to play anymore!

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Wednesday, June 20th, 2001
1:14 pm
I miss my friends

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Saturday, June 16th, 2001
11:56 am - Well...
Its over. School, My friends at school, everything that came with the school is over. Its so weird driving by it and thinking, I am never going there again. I went to my own graduation, sat in the audience. Supported my friends. I was a great cerimony, but I wasn't in it. I know its over and I know I shouldn't beat myself over things in the past. But I would have so loved to be up there.
We went tot Grad-Nite after that, it was okay except for the fact that our group got split up during check in and we never saw eachother until we got back in the bus to go home. We only went on four rides on account of it being so busy. Indiana Jones, Space Mountian, Pirates of the Carribean, and the Haunted Mansion. It was fun.
Then we went back for senior Breakfast. We all said goodbye and yea. Brenda was the hardest for me to say goodbye to. In my year book, her goodbye seemed way to perminate. I told her, "Don't worry I will make sure we keep in touch," But then she said, "We'll talk" I thought that was strange and it kinda put me down into a sad mood. What do you think she means by it? It knda comes off sounding like she is going to tell me something bad...hmm I don't know.

current mood: confused

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Sunday, June 10th, 2001
12:08 pm - I feel so alone..
everyone around me is leaving. In the end thats always the way it works out for me. In the time left for gradutation I am desperatley trying to find all the people I have over looked, I want to leave this school having people think, "man, that was a great guy" Its going to be hard to say goodbye to the people I have been with everyday for the last 6 years. To say goodbye to Brenda, my first friend in 7th grade. High school, its just so comfortable. In college everyone is so impersonable. I am crying right now. I think this last month I have cried more than I have ever before. I know its dumb, and "Oh Guys Dont Cry". Ha! I try to be strong, but this is like loosing a family. And everyone is Graduating...and I am not. Why couldn't I just have focused alittle more? Why couldn't I have just not been lazy or stupid?? Thats the thing, I just never thought ahead, I always thought that I would, somehow I would just slide on by. Ha, I was wrong. Thats not the way to live your life. I will hopefully learn from this experience.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
When the world around me crumbles
You are my shelter
When the Darkness of night engulfs me
You are my light
When the path is long and hard
You are my inspiration
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I don't know why I just thought of that, but I did.
Why does life have to be so hard? Will I ever be happy? I don't think I can do everything I want to do in this lifetime. I can't accomplish anything. I don't just want to be another no existant face in the world. I want to stand out. I want to some how change this world, bring happiness to people. When I die, I want people to say, "Everyone he met, loved him. And when he left, he left alittle happiness with them." Sometimes I wish I would stop trying to make everyone else happy and just make myself be happy. But then I wouldn't be me.
I feel so alone right now. I feel like I have let down my family, my friends, and most definatly myself. And now I will never feel the joy and pride of walking across that stage. Sad.

current mood: lonely

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Thursday, June 7th, 2001
1:10 am - I finished Night School.....
I feel like 50lbs pounds has been lifted off my shoulders...now if only I could really loose 50lbs, I'd be set! I have just finished my 10 paged research paper and I am wide awake. Not to mention that I have a cold and I am coughing like crazy! I feel so empty and "blah-ish" now that the dance show is over. I am serious its all I have been looking forward to this semester and its over. I start college in August, I have signed up for a swing class. I have this fear that I am going to be so outta place in college, like everyone is going to be all stiff and snotty. And I am just going to be, well, me! Oh well.

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Sunday, June 3rd, 2001
12:41 am - Its over =..(..
I feel very empty. Its like all semester we have been working on these dances to only perform them 3 times and then its over. At the end of the show there was a Senior Dedication dance to "Winds beneathe my wings" That kinda got me teary eyed..and at the end Mrs Guiles brought out all of the seniors and made a speech about how much she is going to miss us blah blah blah..then my friend Brenda, of 6 years (we met in 7th grade) turns to me and she is sobbing, then it hit me. I started to cry also then all of my other friends huddled around and we cried some more. So the audience is watching a bunch of blubbering idiot seniors hugging a crying on stage it was pretty funny! As I walk out I tool a look at my school. Its pretty small and pathedic but its all I've known in the last 6 years. I am going to miss it. I always thought that when I graduate I would be happy to leave..but now its just depressing. I have changed and grown up so much from 7th grade till now. Its all too much to take in! Ah, so sad!

current mood: drained

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Saturday, June 2nd, 2001
2:33 am - Tonight's dance show was great...
I was actually really nervous...considering that all of my friends went to the opening show and all. But I guess I did fine..although I did mess up, no one seemed to notice. Wow, the thrill you get when you walk on stage and everyone is screaming your name, and cheering for you. Even people Ii don't really know came up to me to complement the dance! I think I have found something that I enjoy and that I am good at. And Amanda even bought me a rose after the finale! She is such a great gal, she came even though she was sick. What a good friend!! Sometimes I tend to take things like that for granted. And I apologize for that! But I gotta go, I managed to finish reading my book for English...if I pass that class its going to be by a thin line. Ugh so stressed!

current mood: tired

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Wednesday, May 30th, 2001
11:31 pm - My Dance Show is on Friday~
Tomorrow we have rehersal from 3 in the afternoon until 9 at night. Its going to be fun...
Today my dance group got together at lunch and I freaked out on them. First of all, everyone was off on the counts. Then some people were just sitting aroound and not practicing...so I lost it, but I am not going on stage just to have everyone fuck up and make Me and the people who are working hard look bad! Some people just dont care...... its sad.
Blah..so um, everyone in Simi Come see the dance show! Its called "props" and its at Santa Susana High!

current mood: busy

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12:49 am
I feel like a shoe, your excited when they are new, but boring and unwanted once your old or not exciting enough...thats how I feel.

current mood: Like a shoe

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Tuesday, May 29th, 2001
11:51 am
I have come to the conclusion that I haved no friends

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Monday, May 28th, 2001
10:59 am
okay so I went to knotts berry farm....yay, yea whatever. and can you guess what happens? I lose my wallet.. so I am all happy right now and I want to just burry myself in a LARGE hole and die. not only cause of the wallet that just tops the cake..
schools tomorrow....dance show is 6 days away and the dress rehersal is 5, and guess what mike doesnt have...his dance shoes or his costume...
sorry so negitive

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Saturday, May 26th, 2001
9:16 pm - SOMETIMES....
...when I think I am fat, I look in the mirror and realize that I am fat.

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